By Tina O’Conner
When conflict arises, we tend to take it personally. Most of us ask the question, “how did I cause this?” Not in the positive way we will discuss later. But, in a negative way that we end of taking responsibility for something we did not cause.
To improve your self-confidence and self-worth, please stop allowing others control in our lives. When a client does not return for therapy or tells me this process is not for them, I immediately wonder what I did wrong.
The more I learn about human behavior, the more I understand that most times it has nothing to do with me at all. And yet, I still spend countless hours rehearsing the words, events, etc. that caused this end in a professional relationship.
The positive perspective about asking the “how did I cause this?” question is to focus on the process and the content of the situation. The process (relational dynamics) and the content (words said out loud) are two different pieces of information.
To constructively answer the above question takes insight in a constructive way. If you want to learn more about yourself and can manage the “gray area,” please make the time and effort. When you find yourself defending your thoughts and feelings, this is insecurity. When you can state your opinion assertively, this is confidence.
For example, your supervisor has given you a deadline for a project. You are close to the deadline, and they ask for a progress report. Their facial expression shows anxiety. Could it be they feel frustrated about incomplete work, or could it also be that their supervisor is pushing hard to have the project finished early? You may not know the pressure your supervisor is feeling.
A confident person will look at the entire picture and recognize relational dynamics are occurring that have nothing to do with them. An insecure person will immediately take responsibility and agree to work harder and later to finish the project. Which person is more likely to feel stressed?
Several ways to handle the perception of yourself could be to give yourself down time during the day to reflect on your accomplishments. If you are feeling pressure, talk to your supervisor and ask for constructive feedback.
Pay attention to the trickle-down effect. Is the stress coming from the top down. In other words, look at the whole picture. And remember to give yourself credit. You deserve it.
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Tina L. O’Connor, MS, NCC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who has a private counseling practice in Parkesburg. Tina attended college in Phoenixville and West Chester. Tina and her husband Doug have three amazing adult stepchildren and two beautiful grandchildren. Tina can be reached at Experience Positive Therapy via telephone at (610) 857-8089 or email at [email protected].
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Top photo credit: Women Building Success in Biosciences event via photopin (license)
