Have you ever been told you are too emotional? Too sensitive? Too soft? Did you take this as an insult? Perhaps view it as a weakness? Who told you this? Your boss? Your spouse? Your parents?

Whoever did claim that your connection to your feelings was a character defect, may have had the same thing done to them. It is a sad truth that hurt people hurt people.

When someone feeds other words of discouragement such as “get over it” or “toughen up” on a continuous basis, especially during childhood, it can cause tremendous damage to the receiver both internally and in his/her relationships with others.

You might be saying to yourself, “Come on, this is ridiculous! That Michael guy has lost his edge!”

Just give me a minute to explain four reasons why emotional intelligence matters in business and in life.

When a person is told continuously that his/her emotions are not important or should not be expressed this can translate to the receiver as “I am not important” or “I do not matter”. What this does is cause conflict – a conflict that has no real foundation for disagreement.

Telling people they feel too much or that they should feel a different way is irrational and produces no positive result.  It could be argued that a person who feels deeply and expresses their emotions (as long as it is done in a regulated manner) has a higher emotional maturity level than a person who hides their emotions or projects surface emotions such as anger to avoid appearing vulnerable.

So, what does awareness of one’s emotions actually tell us about that person? What does it tell us about how they interact with others? What does it tell us about their ability to lead and motivate others?

Emotional intelligence started being discussed in the 1990s by Peter Salovey and John D. Mayer and was further explored by Daniel Goleman. Salovey and Mayer (1990) define emotional intelligence as a set of skills that aid in understanding one’s own emotions and the emotions of others and that these same skills may assist individuals in the regulation of emotions.

They also posited that these abilities could be quantified and researched.

Goleman’s model explained things a bit further. It includes five realms of emotional intelligence that I will discuss next week. These five realms are broken down into 4 categories:

• Self-awareness
• Social awareness
• Self-management
• Relationship management

The titles of these quadrants explain why emotional intelligence is so important in business and in life. A person’s level of emotional intelligence correlates to their ability to lead others as well as their ability to master their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

People who have higher levels of emotional intelligence display empathy and genuine care for others. They are in control of their reactions and they can help others gain control of their actions as well.

Tom Peters, the business management expert, recently said, “One hundred percent of jobs should be judged on EQ, not IQ. This is when we’re going to figure out whether you had the right hiring criteria.”

Gone are the days when bosses stood back and ordered everyone around while they sipped their coffee and sat at their desks. Today’s workforce demands that leaders show genuine concern for the people in their organization. Today’s circumstances and environment require that leaders remain in control of how they feel, think, and act.

People with higher levels of emotional intelligence can more easily stay focused on what matters most – relationships and connection. Connection with employees, vendors, clients, and communities. Next week, we will dive into the five realms of Goleman’s model and discuss how we can begin to develop our own emotional intelligence.