By Barry Rabin

Kennett Square has long been known as the Mushroom Capital of the World. But if local mushroom growers have their way, the Southern Chester County borough will soon be known for a far more valuable crop.

According to local industry sources, many of Chester County’s mushroom-growing operations have been quietly converting over to marijuana growing at breakneck speed, trying to ride the wave of legalization that has been spreading across America.

“As best we can figure, America has an estimated 24 million confirmed stoners,” said Frank Fungini, president of the Chester County Mushroom Growers Association. “And that doesn’t include the 80 million potential casual users we anticipate having once the whole country makes it legal.”

Other local industry leaders have confirmed the trend.

“It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to us,” agreed Emil Spazzioni, a fourth-generation mushroom grower and president of Spazzioni Agri-Industries in New Garden Township.

“I’ve been working in dark, damp, smelly mushroom houses ever since I was seven years old. With marijuana, you crank up the lights, and it’s like daytime inside the growing house. My seasonal affective disorder is completely gone!”

Behind the enthusiasm is the fact that, while total mushroom production in the U.S. adds up to about $1.3 billion a year, the potential marijuana market has been estimated at more than $1 trillion.

“I mean, how many more mushroom pizzas can Dominos sell?” asked Spazzioni.  “You’re only going to get so far selling fungus.”

Growers have especially benefitted from their proximity to the world-famous Longwood Gardens. Experts from Longwood have been quietly working with the mushroom industry for the last two years, making sure that their marijuana plants are well-fertilized and properly cultivated.

To add value to the new product, the industry is already making plans to partner with another major Southern Chester County player.

“We called up our friends over at Herr’s down in Nottingham,” said Spazzioni, “and we’re already in talks about creating a joint marketing relationship – no pun intended.”

Herr’s, the area’s premier maker of potato chips and other salty snacks, was more than happy to sign on.

“We had a very attractive offer from the people at Doritos,” he said. “But we’re all about keeping it local.”

To publicize the big changeover, the Borough of Kennett Square has already announced major changes to two of its most popular annual events, as announced by Kennett Square Mayor Matt Fetick at a news conference late yesterday afternoon.

“Starting this New Year’s Eve,” said Fetick, “the giant mushroom we have traditionally lowered at the stroke of midnight will be replaced by a 5,000-pound, neon-lit marijuana cigarette.”

Another local event will be seeing big changes as well.

“Starting in 2020,” announced Fetick, “the Borough will be replacing the annual Mushroom Festival with what we’re calling ‘ReeferFest Kennett Square.’”

Exact details of this new event haven’t been officially announced yet. But a reliable source on the event committee shared some of the plans exclusively with VISTA Today.

“We’re thinking of maybe a food court with some marijuana edibles, a pot growers’ market, and live music by Bob Marley and the Wailers.”

“Plus,” the source added, “we’ll have alternating showings of the classic movies Reefer Madness and Up in Smoke every two hours inside The Market at Liberty Place. Blobfest in Phoenixville is going to wish they were us!”

Another source hinted at a live stage show as part of the event.

“We’re working on getting Cheech and Chong to perform,” the source said, referring to the famous 1970s stoner comedy team. He added that WHYY-TV’s Patrick Stoner had already signed on to emcee the show.

As for other area officials, most of the comments thus far have been positive.

Said one London Grove Township official, “For years, we’ve had to deal with complaint after complaint about foul smells coming from the mushroom houses, especially from those new city people who keep moving out here. Now, no complaints!”

Added the official, “Our only problem has been dealing with head lacerations from people who stick their heads too far inside the exhaust fans.”

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Barry Rabin, a Downingtown lawyer and a 1974 graduate of Coatesville Area Senior High School, and VISTA Today wish you a Happy April Fools’ Day! Barry welcomes your comments at rabinwrites@aol.com.