By Barry Rabin

In a startling turn of events, the Borough of West Chester announced yesterday that the historic “Barclay Grounds” will be turned into a nudist colony, effective this coming June.

The surprise announcement came as the result of a plan put forward by the Barclay Grounds Preservation Alliance to enhance the “natural use” of the property by allowing nudists to sit, sunbathe, camp out and “parade around.”

Said Wendel Wingnut, Deputy Assistant Vice President of the Alliance, “We said we wanted to maintain it as a natural area, right? So what could be more natural than nudity?”

The broad, tree-lined property, which is adjacent to the historic Barclay Mansion, was the subject of a long public battle just a few years ago to keep a developer from building new homes on it.

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At that time, the Borough acceded to the demands of a well-organized group of local residents to purchase the property and keep it as open space. At the time, the subject of nudity was not discussed publicly.

But that changed when West Chester Borough Council adopted a new code zoning code ordinance at a secret, unannounced meeting last month.

The new code section creates a new “N-1” district, which allows for “the removal or non-wearing of pants, shirts, undergarments, or other clothing items, i.e. full frontal and backal nudity.”

The measure was reportedly approved by a vote of 5-0, with one member abstaining, and the seventh reportedly “making whooping noises and jumping up and down” without actually casting a vote.

Outgoing West Chester Mayor – and new State Representative – Carolyn Comitta was one of the architects of the plan.

“Many people thought I delayed stepping down as mayor after winning last fall’s election so I could finish implementing the police department’s reorganization plan. But why I really stayed was to make sure that nudity would become a permanent part of the, pardon the expression, fabric of this wonderful little town.”

Now, Comitta says, she will be able to devote her full and undivided attention to serving her district in the State Legislature during the week, while becoming a founding member of the new Barclay Nudist Colony on the weekends.

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“Let me tell you,” she said, “it’s damned uncomfortable wearing these freakin’ pantsuits and tight blazers all week long. Come Friday afternoons this summer, baby, that stuff comes off!”

Some local businesses are excited about the new plan, while others seem to have reservations.

“Our members are mostly in favor of the plan,” said I. Ronald “Ron” Hill, president of the West Chester Restaurant Association.

“On the other hand, we’re also mindful of the safety considerations involved. I mean, the waiter trips and pours hot coffee on your lap, and all of a sudden you’re looking at third-degree burns. Right now, we’re looking for a restaurant supplier who can source asbestos napkins for us.”

Some shop owners – particularly those that sell clothing – are said to be unhappy with the plan. Others, however, already have plans to capitalize on the town’s newest newcomers.

Said one local variety store owner, “I’m already stocking up on SPF-95 sunscreen, wide-brimmed sun hats, and liquor. Oh, and binoculars. Lots of binoculars.”

Local realtors, meanwhile, have reported a significant uptick in interest among buyers wanting to live in the homes surrounding the Barclay property.

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“One guy paid double the asking price for a house right across West Marshall Street from Barclay Park. I think he must be some kind of astronomer or something, because I watched him move in, and he had the movers bring in this huge telescope, and some very fancy-looking photographic equipment.”

Local churches, meanwhile, are split on issue.

Some apparently have no objection to the plan, citing Adam and Eve as precedent. At the same time, one local clergyperson, who declined to be identified by name, religion or species, said,

“We intend to march in protest every day that abomination of a nudist camp is in existence. And I myself intend to be right up in front of those protest marches, preferably with an unobstructed view of all of that sinning!”

While many local residents we interviewed expressed surprise and shock at the announcement, a few seemed unexcited about the plan.

Said local radio personality Bill Mason, of WCHE-1520 AM, “I wouldn’t get too excited about this if I were you. I’ve been to a few nude beaches in my time, and let me tell you, it’s never the people you want to see nude who have their clothes off.”

Saturday is April 1st. Barry Rabin and Vista.Today wish you a Happy April Fools Day! Barry welcomes your comments at rabinwrites@aol.com

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