In the face of gross overcrowding, impossible parking and fast-rising real estate prices, the Borough of West Chester will soon be going from “BID” to “DID.”

The announcement came yesterday at a news conference held by Borough Mayor Carolyn Comitta, who was joined by numerous local officials and downtown business leaders.

Said the Mayor, “When we started our Business Improvement District program, which most of you know as the ‘BID,’ we wanted to bring more people into the Borough to live, eat, go shopping and stroll around. Now, it appears that we’ve got just too many freaking people.”

As a result, Borough Council has announced the formation of the new West Chester Dis-Improvement District, or “DID” for short. The DID will take the place of the former BID.

The West Chester Business Improvement District, or “BID,” was created in 2000 to help promote the town’s then-struggling business district. Since that time, it has been so successful that downtown West Chester is now swarming with stores, restaurants, cars and people.

Malcolm Johnstone, currently Executive Director of the BID, will be moving over from the BID to the DID.

Said Johnstone, “It never occurred to us sixteen years ago that we could actually be too successful. But that’s what we’re looking at now. A person attending the Restaurant Festival today can’t even put ketchup on their burger without elbowing someone’s kid in the eye by accident.”

Borough Councilman Bill Scott, who is also a member of the BID Board of Directors, will become Chairman of the DID, replacing current BID Chair Holly Brown, who will be leaving town in May to marry European royalty.

“We wanted to increase the real estate values in town by making West Chester a more attractive place to be,” says Scott. “Now, almost nobody on Borough Council could afford to buy a house here. Who knew?!”

County Commissioner Terence Farrell attended the event to present a framed citation denouncing the Borough for its rabid popularity.

“As a County Commissioner, I attend hundreds of events every year where I present citations congratulating and praising people and organizations,” said Farrell. “It frankly gets a little boring.”

The difficulties caused by the town’s steroidal growth have already spread beyond the Borough itself. Regional food suppliers have pointed to West Chester’s bustling restaurant scene as the cause of a critical shortage of kale and quinoa, two vital staples of trendy eateries. Said one food broker who wished to remain anonymous, “They’ve also sucked us dry of caramelized onions. It’s getting ugly.”

According to Johnstone, the DID’s mission is as follows:

1. To discourage visitors, especially affluent ones, from visiting downtown West Chester.
2. To make it so burdensome to live in town that no one else will want to move in.
3. To alter the architecture of downtown buildings so as to make them as historically inaccurate and incongruous as possible.

According to semi-reliable sources, some of strategies planned by the DID for the coming year include:

• Blasting deafeningly loud heavy metal music out of huge speakers at every outdoor event this summer, using a playlist created by the U.S. military to coerce Guantanamo Bay prisoners into talking.
• Changing the Borough’s trash collection rules so that all trash must be put out in small, one-gallon “official” plastic bags, which will be available for sale at the Borough Hall and Wawa for $20 each.
• Requiring all historic buildings to be covered in pastel-shaded vinyl siding.

The DID has also been asking local eateries and watering holes to do their share to support the cause. Many have agreed to do so.

Iron Hill Brewery & Restaurant, which is widely blamed for starting the downtown explosion, has already agreed to limit their beer selections to Budweiser and Schlitz on Friday and Saturday nights. Kooma, the popular “Asian-Fusion” restaurant, will soon be deep-frying all of its sushi. And Pietro’s Prime, a popular local steakhouse, will be switching from “USDA Prime” to “USDA Marginal” cuts of meat.

In addition, the Starbucks at High and Gay Streets has pledged to try to make their coffee even more bitter-tasting than it is currently, although the manager admits that “that may not be possible.”

Borough Council also plans to enlist the help of the town’s many college students by installing urinals on the outside of every home on South Church Street and South Walnut Street.

“We‘re hoping that those few college students who aren’t already urinating on neighborhood properties as they stagger back to campus from the bars at night will start doing so, preferably while screaming loudly,” said one Borough official.

Said Johnstone, “We’re all hoping that what the BID did, we can undo with the DID.”  

Editor’s note: Barry Rabin and VISTA.Today wish you a very Happy April Fool’s Day!

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Barry Rabin is an attorney and writer based in Chester County. He welcomes your comments at rabinwrites@aol.com.