One of the topics that is part of my daily conversation is the idea of success or failure when I risk a confrontation with another person. The thought is, only if there is a positive outcome or the person changes was I successful.

In other words, if I am asking my coworker to share information with me on a weekly basis; I am only successful if my coworker changes their behavior. The same is true for our personal relationships. If I ask my spouse or partner to change their behavior, it is only successful if they do what I ask.

A different perspective might be if I have something to share and I share it, whether it is a change in behavior or listening to my feelings, I am successful even if the other person does not change. Please understand we are not responsible nor are we in control of another’s person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions.

We are only in control of our responses.

When we focus on the first perspective; stress, anxiety, fear, and depression are sure to follow. Often, resentment creeps in and continues to build. We are trying to change something that in not in our control.

How do I focus only on what is my responsibility? Most of us want to avoid confronting another person. Our thought may be, “If they unwilling to change or if what I am saying is not making a difference, what is the point of expressing myself.” Avoiding our feelings or sharing our thoughts and concerns create stress and strain on the relationship.

Take a really deep breath. Visualize how you would like the conversation to proceed. Write out what you would like to say. Practice it. Feel as settled as you can within yourself. Remember it’s not the outcome that matters.

What makes the difference is how I cared for myself. What risk did I take and can I give myself credit for it?

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Tina L. O’Connor, MS, NCC is a Licensed Professional Counselor who has a private counseling practice in Parkesburg. Tina attended college in Phoenixville and West Chester. Tina and her husband Doug have three amazing adult stepchildren and two beautiful grandchildren. Tina can be reached at Experience Positive Therapy via telephone at (610) 857-8089 or email at exppostherapy1@verizon.net.

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