Near the end of Poltergeist, an invisible entity holds mom Diane in her bedroom, preventing her from reaching her children. 

Her screaming children, settled in the very bedroom responsible for sucking one of them into the television at the movie’s start.  

I mean, do you hate your kids, Poltergeist mom? 

Breaking free, Diane finds the children’s bedroom, normally just feet from her own, now at the end of an ever-elongating hallway. 

That’s how I feel about Willie sometimes — one problem is solved, but another awaits just around the corner. 

Last summer, Willie signed up for a monthly shopping service.  

It was like Amazon Prime — pay a monthly subscription fee, get free shipping. 

I asked Willie about the service, but she didn’t know what it was or how she signed up for it. 

That’s dementia for you. Signing you up for knucklehead services then leaving you to foot the bill. 

I canceled the subscription, then contacted the company for a refund. 

In the time it took me to do that, Willie signed up for another Amazon Prime knockoff.  

I canceled that service and contacted that company for a refund. 

By the time I’d done that, Willie signed up for a third service.  

It was like a shopping service Hydra — cut off one head and two more appeared. 

I canceled the third service, but by then, the first service was back in play. I spent a month canceling the services and requesting refunds. 

In the first round of requests, the companies gave me full refunds. 

By round three, they declined, suggesting maybe it was Willie signing up for their services — rather than the dementia. 

Right. Willie was signing up for those services the way a Ouija board planchette is moved by spirits. 

The shopping service fever subsided, but a secondary infection set in. 

Antivirus programs. 

Alanis Morissette ironic, am I right? 

Now, Willie already has about 12 antivirus programs through AOL. 

Like it’s 1998.  

Who uses AOL? What, are we going to listen for “You’ve got mail!” while we watch Friends and wear chokers?  

And let me tell you something — they’re lazy gatekeepers, those antivirus programs. 

They remind me of the boyfriend who thought his best shot at riches was inventing a scented lightbulb.  

Imagine my surprise when Willie signed up for yet another antivirus program — but not through AOL. 

“Did I do that?” Willie asked, with none of Urkel’s charm. 

I canceled the subscription, requested a refund, blah, blah, blah. 

Then Willie spent $899 on yet another antivirus service. 

I contacted the company, who explained the fee was for three years of service. A refund would not be forthcoming, even when I explained the circumstances. 

By this time, Willie was down a few thousand dollars thanks to the online shenanigans. My siblings and I decided our best move was maybe to confiscate Willie’s computer. 

Before we could have that conversation, the desktop — perhaps in a show of solidarity, perhaps out of sheer exhaustion — died. 

After a few weeks of socially acceptable mourning, I went to Willie’s to take the dead computer. To recycle it with my township. 

I packed up the monitor and cords. The speakers. The mouse and keyboard. 

Then I opened the desk cabinet to remove the CPU. 

You know, the monitor and keyboard not tethered to the CPU never struck me as weird. 

Until I saw the CPU was missing. 

I reached out to my siblings, but they didn’t have the CPU. I contacted Staples, because Staples calls to Willie the way the aliens call to Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.  

Staples did not have the CPU.  

Willie’s desk was like an inverse of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Instead of a world concealed behind furniture doors, Willie’s desk door opened to a negative. 

Despite the CPU, not having to perseverate over Willie’s online presence felt a bit like the day the lightbulb guy dumped me. 

A relief. 

No more shopping services. No more antivirus programs. My siblings and I took turns ordering Willie’s groceries. Easy, compared to the constant vigilance of Willie’s internet antics. 

One day I called Willie for her grocery order. 

“I already ordered my groceries,” Willie said. “I took a rideshare to Staples and bought a new computer.”  

Huh. Did not see that coming. 

I wonder how many antivirus programs it has.